I'm sorry

It hurts, when you are neglecting what I say. It hurts, when you ignore my presence. It hurts, when you only ever pay attention to me when you need me for help. Something that doesn't happen anymore.

I admit that I make mistakes, that I may be selfish and harsh quite often, that I didn't spend my time with you for the past few years, or maybe even longer. I know that I break my promise to bring you out for shopping or even out for a walk in the park. Even though, I'm free at that moment. I understand that I' a terrible sister, a horrible human being that live under the the same roof as you.

I'm sorry, that I'm a no-good, terrible sister. I'm sorry, that you couldn't talk to me about things and secrets that you want to share. I'm sorry, that I wasn't there when you need me the most. I'm sorry, that things turn out this way. I'm sorry, for not doing anything earlier.

Thoughts

There are many occasions that made me ask myself, about things that seem so natural to me. I grew up having similar doubts, but never dare to seek the answers. These thoughts tends to pop up during times when I'm alone, which occurs quite often. I may seem to have a broad social circle with lots of friends, but at the end of the day, I wonder who will really stay with me till the very end. All the thoughts that run in my mind, are those I couldn't say out loud. I'm truly glad that there's no supernatural powers that could have people reading my thoughts like words on a book. I would never risk showing others this side of me as I'm constantly afraid of their judgement on me. I said a number of times that people should open their hearts so that others could have a better understanding of them, and I believe it's the right way to do so. But instead I lock my heart away to avoid anyone from noticing it. "I don't need anyone to understand me" that's what I use to comfort myself every night before I fall asleep. Though it may seem to many that I'm a straightforward girl that doesn't know the word secret. I do indeed keep heaps of things I believe would never escape through my mouth. There are many things better left unsaid, especially things I kept hidden in deep in my heart, things that I would only be thought but never be spoken of.

I have plenty friends around me, but never really anyone that notice me. I constantly felt alone, as if my existence is forgotten and only call to mind when needed. Whenever I'm with my friends, no matter the dept of our friendship, I will always feel left out and blanked out. I never dare to voice out anymore, as I'm afraid of the feeling of forgotten with consume me once more. Never have I felt at ease with someone, there wasn't anyone that can truly make me loosen up around them. I tried again and again with numerous people, I wanted to have a place for a special someone in my heart. But nevertheless, I have never succeed, I couldn't find anyone with a suitable key for the lock around my heart. Since the day I have started to think, my heart is sinking deeper and deeper into the shadows. Not a day pass by where I can be completely inattentive about my surroundings, and the people around me. 

As the clock is ticking, the time is steadily moving forward. Will I be tied down by these thoughts of mine forever, till the day I cease to exist? Can I ever step forward, throwing these thoughts away, and leaving them behind. I have many questions in mind, but nobody can give me a definite answer. As time goes on, I can only drag my pitiful self along, to the future I can't anticipate. 

When My Hair Grows Long

When my hair grows long,
will I be the same?
think the same?
act the same?

When my hair grows long,
will my decision change?
my opinion change?
my view change?

When my hair grows long,
will my love ones be the same?
my friends be the same?
my family be the same?

When my hair grows long,
will my school change?
my house change?
my room change?

When will my hair grow long?
Long till it reaches the ground,
till my thoughts have changes,
and so will my surroundings.

The time it takes for my hair to grow,
what will changes in between?
I can't wait to find out
as my hair grows long.