I'm sorry

It hurts, when you are neglecting what I say. It hurts, when you ignore my presence. It hurts, when you only ever pay attention to me when you need me for help. Something that doesn't happen anymore.

I admit that I make mistakes, that I may be selfish and harsh quite often, that I didn't spend my time with you for the past few years, or maybe even longer. I know that I break my promise to bring you out for shopping or even out for a walk in the park. Even though, I'm free at that moment. I understand that I' a terrible sister, a horrible human being that live under the the same roof as you.

I'm sorry, that I'm a no-good, terrible sister. I'm sorry, that you couldn't talk to me about things and secrets that you want to share. I'm sorry, that I wasn't there when you need me the most. I'm sorry, that things turn out this way. I'm sorry, for not doing anything earlier.

Thoughts

There are many occasions that made me ask myself, about things that seem so natural to me. I grew up having similar doubts, but never dare to seek the answers. These thoughts tends to pop up during times when I'm alone, which occurs quite often. I may seem to have a broad social circle with lots of friends, but at the end of the day, I wonder who will really stay with me till the very end. All the thoughts that run in my mind, are those I couldn't say out loud. I'm truly glad that there's no supernatural powers that could have people reading my thoughts like words on a book. I would never risk showing others this side of me as I'm constantly afraid of their judgement on me. I said a number of times that people should open their hearts so that others could have a better understanding of them, and I believe it's the right way to do so. But instead I lock my heart away to avoid anyone from noticing it. "I don't need anyone to understand me" that's what I use to comfort myself every night before I fall asleep. Though it may seem to many that I'm a straightforward girl that doesn't know the word secret. I do indeed keep heaps of things I believe would never escape through my mouth. There are many things better left unsaid, especially things I kept hidden in deep in my heart, things that I would only be thought but never be spoken of.

I have plenty friends around me, but never really anyone that notice me. I constantly felt alone, as if my existence is forgotten and only call to mind when needed. Whenever I'm with my friends, no matter the dept of our friendship, I will always feel left out and blanked out. I never dare to voice out anymore, as I'm afraid of the feeling of forgotten with consume me once more. Never have I felt at ease with someone, there wasn't anyone that can truly make me loosen up around them. I tried again and again with numerous people, I wanted to have a place for a special someone in my heart. But nevertheless, I have never succeed, I couldn't find anyone with a suitable key for the lock around my heart. Since the day I have started to think, my heart is sinking deeper and deeper into the shadows. Not a day pass by where I can be completely inattentive about my surroundings, and the people around me. 

As the clock is ticking, the time is steadily moving forward. Will I be tied down by these thoughts of mine forever, till the day I cease to exist? Can I ever step forward, throwing these thoughts away, and leaving them behind. I have many questions in mind, but nobody can give me a definite answer. As time goes on, I can only drag my pitiful self along, to the future I can't anticipate. 

When My Hair Grows Long

When my hair grows long,
will I be the same?
think the same?
act the same?

When my hair grows long,
will my decision change?
my opinion change?
my view change?

When my hair grows long,
will my love ones be the same?
my friends be the same?
my family be the same?

When my hair grows long,
will my school change?
my house change?
my room change?

When will my hair grow long?
Long till it reaches the ground,
till my thoughts have changes,
and so will my surroundings.

The time it takes for my hair to grow,
what will changes in between?
I can't wait to find out
as my hair grows long.

INTI Ball ~ La Vie En Rose

-4th of October, Saturday.

Just like all any other usual Saturday, I woke up to the sound of my alarm, telling me that I should start preparing myself for work early in the morning. Even though that day was a special day, I was still forced to work as a promoter under the blazing hot sun. I only have work in the morning during weekends, so after work I head to my friend's house immediately to have my makeup and nails done.

By the time I reached her house, I was only left with 2 hours. With no time to waste, I quickly took a shower and have my friend do my nails. I tried doing my nails the night before but it was a disaster, I really do need more practice for paint my nails. While my friend was doing my nails for me, her mom helped putting makeup on my face. Rushing with all the preparations, we managed to get everything done on time. My overall appearances might not be perfect, but I was satisfy with the outcome given with the limited time we had.

My dad drove me all the way to the entrance of the 5 star hotel where the ball was held. I walked in the hotel, trying to be as graceful as I can, but with the clumsy personality I have, I almost tripped over my long dress twice while I was walking up the stairs to meet up with my friends. My friends were busy taking photos and putting on perfume before entering the hall. The restroom is packed with beautiful ladies checking their makeup, perfecting their hair in front of the mirror. Most of them never fail to take a photo in front of the mirror before they exit the restroom.

As the event begin, all ladies and gentlemen are guided into the classy ballroom. The MC started the evening by walking around, talking to some lovely participants regarding INTI Ball. Various fascinating performances were played for the evening. We enjoyed our foods taken from the side of ballroom while watching the performances.

As the night goes on, the dance floor is opened up for us to dance to some slow, romantic musics. My first dance for the night was with LouAnn, my close girlfriend in INTI. After a short while, she lead me out of the dance floor so that I could dance with my partner, Soon. He guided me to dance step by step since I don't have the slightness idea of waltz. It's a pity we only managed to dance for a little while until we changed dance partners. I danced with most of my friends, be it a girl or a boy. I was even carried by MC, a friend of mine while he slowly spins around in circle. I was a little disappointed on having to dance with Soon for such a short while, we didn't even have that romantic atmosphere with us when we danced. I guess it's highly impossible for us to be together in the future.

The event was coming to an event, me and my friends went around taking photos to treasure the moments of that night. Time passes when we were having fun, creating memories, it was time for us to take off our Cinderella shoes, and head back home. My dad wasn't free to fetch me that night so I asked my cousin brother to fetch me home. On the way home, we stopped by a sisha cafe with cousins and friends. I was walking in my long dress, having people staring at me.

At long last, I reached home past midnight and slept immediately after washing up. It was a tiring but enjoyable day. I will place this fragment of memory somewhere deep in my memory so that I will never lose it.  

Scar on my heart

I missed those times when we walked down the streets for dinner with our big group of friends. 

I missed those times when we fooled around the campus without a care in the world. 

I missed those times when we stayed up all night chatting, rushing our assignments, studying for our exams. 

I missed those times when we held our hands together while walking along the street back to our hostel. 

I missed the moment your soft lip touches against mine. 

I can still remember the excitement of meeting you everyday.

I can still remember the happiness when playing around with you.

I can still remember the sleepless nights we spent chatting about random stuff.

I can still remember my hand sweating non-stop while you held it gently.

I can still remember the embarrassment experiencing kissing with you.

The warm heat from your embrace still lingers on my body refusing to let go. 

I can't sleep alone with an empty heart knowing that you'll never be with me.

Tears roll down my cheek when I look back at those days at the corner of my cold room.

The scar on my heart screams in pain when I sees you having fun without me around.

It's almost too much to bear having to laugh with you so it won't be awkward. 

But alas, nothing can be change. 

You will never be mine, I can never have you.

The only thing I could do now is to hope that time will heal the wound on my heart.

Kiss

I wonder how does a kiss tastes like? Not to say I'm complaining... I just feel a little bit lonely not being able to experience it throughout my whole 18 years of life. Well, I did tried kissing a guy just a couple of months ago. But it was just a light touch on the lips, it happened so quickly with my heart pumping hard on my chest. Even though we kissed, we're still friends. Currently, we're nowhere near becoming lovers with that happening. I can't seem to imagine us becoming more than friends due to his attitude. I guess he just wants to remain as a good friend? I can't stop feeling down whenever I think about it. But even so, I can't give up on him no matter how I try. He will be leaving for UK next year, we don't have much time to spend together anymore. Unless I future my studies in UK, which will take me 2 years to do that. I don't mind taking it slow, but it seems like we're not progressing at all. I just hope that some day we'll end up together, even if it is highly impossible...

Here I am complaining about him again, I really shouldn't do this anymore, it's turning me into an idiot who carves for love and attentions. Sigh, I sincerely wish that he won't occupy my entire mind.

Memory Loss

Where am I? Why am I here?? Who am I??? There's nothing but melted ice surrounding me in this deep dark cave with nothing but the moonlight barely shining through the tiny hole to allow me see. Nothing in this cave can be serve as an information about myself. It should be cold in this cave without warmth at night, but my body doesn't feel cold and shivers as a normal person should be. Who am I? What am I?? Feeling uneasy about everything, I slowly walked towards the exit of the cave. After I exits the cave, a wide range of forest came into my sight. I can't seems to see anything other trees, the moon and countless bright stars.

From the information I gathered, I was most probably trapped in ice in a cave mountain far away from humans or any other form of living being with intelligence. But why am I trapped here? Who did this to me? No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't recall anything, I can't get my memories back. I felt very lost, I had no idea what should I do and where should I go. What am I gonna do from now on?