Thoughts

There are many occasions that made me ask myself, about things that seem so natural to me. I grew up having similar doubts, but never dare to seek the answers. These thoughts tends to pop up during times when I'm alone, which occurs quite often. I may seem to have a broad social circle with lots of friends, but at the end of the day, I wonder who will really stay with me till the very end. All the thoughts that run in my mind, are those I couldn't say out loud. I'm truly glad that there's no supernatural powers that could have people reading my thoughts like words on a book. I would never risk showing others this side of me as I'm constantly afraid of their judgement on me. I said a number of times that people should open their hearts so that others could have a better understanding of them, and I believe it's the right way to do so. But instead I lock my heart away to avoid anyone from noticing it. "I don't need anyone to understand me" that's what I use to comfort myself every night before I fall asleep. Though it may seem to many that I'm a straightforward girl that doesn't know the word secret. I do indeed keep heaps of things I believe would never escape through my mouth. There are many things better left unsaid, especially things I kept hidden in deep in my heart, things that I would only be thought but never be spoken of.

I have plenty friends around me, but never really anyone that notice me. I constantly felt alone, as if my existence is forgotten and only call to mind when needed. Whenever I'm with my friends, no matter the dept of our friendship, I will always feel left out and blanked out. I never dare to voice out anymore, as I'm afraid of the feeling of forgotten with consume me once more. Never have I felt at ease with someone, there wasn't anyone that can truly make me loosen up around them. I tried again and again with numerous people, I wanted to have a place for a special someone in my heart. But nevertheless, I have never succeed, I couldn't find anyone with a suitable key for the lock around my heart. Since the day I have started to think, my heart is sinking deeper and deeper into the shadows. Not a day pass by where I can be completely inattentive about my surroundings, and the people around me. 

As the clock is ticking, the time is steadily moving forward. Will I be tied down by these thoughts of mine forever, till the day I cease to exist? Can I ever step forward, throwing these thoughts away, and leaving them behind. I have many questions in mind, but nobody can give me a definite answer. As time goes on, I can only drag my pitiful self along, to the future I can't anticipate.